ADMAN’S verse

I wrote this many years ago when I was in Advertising, but it doesn’t seem like anything has changed! Placing the product …


Cold and strong,
Or hot and long,
Or shimmering on the rocks,
An orange drink,
Or small and pink
And frozen into blocks.

It could be right
As a drink at night
To … fortify the forties –
It could make you slimmer
Be served with dinner,
Or after, just like port is.

It could stop the smell,
Or just as well
Cure acid indigestion,
Or make a fine
Sacramental wine –
Or clear away congestion.

It could be nice with gin,
Be a medicine,
You could rub it on your belly –
But no, we couldn’t
For they wouldn’t
Let us put it on the telly.

It pays sometimes
To add enzymes,
Or go with ingredient X –
It could be a meal
Or a Squarer Deal,
Or avant guard for avant sex.

We can serve it posh
Or simply slosh
It into man-sized glasses –
On a silver tray
Is a certain way
To impress the middle classes.

We can show the sea
Symbolically –
Or do it with a fountain,
Go in on lust,
Or if we must,
Shove it up a mountain.

To sell it high and slow,
Or fast and low –
Depends on the market situation,
But we’ve got to lead
And we are going to need
A LARGE appropriation.

While the probers are probing,
The computers computing,
And the analysts depth interviewing,
It’s sure to be best
If we put in test,
Then they’ll think we know what we are doing.